Some ask me...

"Daniel, what's your New Year/ Birthday resolution for 2012?"

Seriously, I haven't thought about it. And I do not feel the need to make any. Still. All these years as December draws to a close, I have always sobered myself to spend some time reflecting and jotting down resolutions. All except this year, and what's more ironic is that it's my 21st this year and I am supposed to be full of ideas and plans for my future! Which I am not.

Just a few days ago, I read a friends blog posting about uncertainty upon graduation. When we were young, we thought that we would have life figured out by the time we reach 21 and years after that, here we are- uncertain about the future, not even about tomorrow! I used to think that I could be so many things, do so much and achieve so much, but when reality sets in and time takes it's toll, I realised the actual experiences that I have differs so much from my expectations.

I guess expectation always differs from reality and that is the main reason that I start dreading to make resolutions that never ceases to be unachieved. Blame not the expectations, rather blame the person who expects much- me. When I was 12, I wanted to be the best swimmer, top athlete, top in the school, straight A scorer and when I was 14 I wanted to enter UWA but later changed my obsession to MIT, I always thought I could write a book by the age of 20 but later realised I couldn't even keep a diary, even though I didn't shout out loud, my actions spoke about my resolution of becoming popular, I wanted to be recognised, I wanted to be the best in everything that I did. In short, I was power hungry, driven and least of all, humble. 

My goal was always set at an unattainable level so that, even if I didn't achieve it, I would be still better than the average. Everything was performance and efficiency oriented! Even in my spiritual life, I strived to study the bible and gain theological understanding because I wanted to know more than my contemporaries, I compared myself with them and that was my motivation. For those who had wonderful experiences, I wanted to have better; And for those who lived a godly life, I wanted to be holier! Many times I failed and fell short from the standards of God and I thought I could do better but always managed to fall again. And of course, the Lord Jesus was gracious and times after time he used these failings to remind me to trust in Him but every time I start trusting in Him and experiencing His wonderful hand in my life, I started to feel great about myself and my pride starts to well up. That, is when I normally fall again. 

How true is the saying in Proverbs, "Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall." Even history tells us that. 

Today, by God's mercy I come before you still able to boast about the achievements that I have, although I am not a straight A scorer; I am at least in the category of the smart, although I did not enter MIT, at least  I am in UWA; although I am not the best and fittest sportsman, I can play and run fairly well; Although I am not the most popular, at least I have a good network, but all these, I am ashamed to share even now, because I have to admit that I have done these in my pride, my haughtiness, and most of all, my independence of God. The only reason I am able to be what I am today is only and only because God, in his forbearance and tolerance upon this stubborn soul, has bestowed good gifts upon it although absolutely undeserving. 

Again, coming to think of it, I am just but a speck of salt in the ocean of undeserving people and chances are, you who are reading this now would identify with me that most of the time, reality doesn't match up with our expectations, we fall short. That is my reaction to New Year's resolution- I am tired of falling short that is why I'd just live life as it is, do what I can and take things as it comes.

But again, it is not achievements that defines us, why would I have a million friends on facebook and yet not enjoy a proper conversation? Why know so much about Jesus when I don't have a relationship with Him? Why work so hard to earn a million bucks when you burn out your own body? In other words, why strive so hard for so much when there is no purpose and joy?

Some say mid-life crises comes when we have reached a certain status in life- reaching 40, having a family, financially stable, having all the latest gadgets and yet asking ourselves what have we actually done in the past that has a purpose? Have I wasted it? I have been pondering over these issues over the last month and I ask myself, 20 years down the road, how would I look back and evaluate myself? What is really important that I would truly be proud of? How do I not waste my life consumed by strife of worldly things?

In a way, I am having pre-mid-life crisis now. 

A quote

By Ray Ortlund Jr. in The Gospel Coalition:

The doctrine of justification by faith alone is the answer to the greatest personal question ever asked by a human soul, the question: How should I be right with God? And how do I stand in God's sight? With what favour does he look upon me? 

There are those I admit that never raise that question; There are those who are concerned with their standing before men, but never with the question of their standing before God; There are those who are interested in what people say, but not in the question of what God says. Such men however are not those who move the world- They are apt to go with the current, they are apt to do as others do, they are not the heroes that are to change the destinies of the race.

The beginning of true nobility comes when a man ceases to be interested in the judgement of men and becomes interested in the judgement of God.

It is so freeing to stop needing human approval; It is so freeing to get up and follow Christ, though inevitably some will find fault (like the pharisees). It is so freeing not to be bound by how things look in the eyes of men and to be deeply bound by Jesus, in fact ultimately it doesn't even matter how we appear in our own eyes. 

We give ourselves to Christ for his Judgement; If he is our only Justification then He is the only reason we need to live.The doctrine of justification creates a culture of manly, noble thinking for ourselves as servants of Christ, only men like that can change the course of history.

Christmas 2011

So I officially got an original 2010/2011 Manchester United Jersey for a rip off price of RM70 and not to mention a G2000 suit for my birthday, a book by John Eldridge, a new pair of soccer boots, 3 piggy banks, a cheese spray, a big blue t-shirt, visitors and a lot of weight gained from a mum-home-cooked Christmas dinner. Not much. But again. Not bad. Not bad at all. 

I guess I am always tempted to desire more than what I have been given but thanks be to God who continues to empower us, I am truly grateful for His providence in my life in this year of 2011. I know there were Christmases before that weren't this nice, and I do believe there would be Christmases in the future where presents and gifts would be lesser. But what I hope would not be taken away ever is the love shared with loved ones and the focus of this so meaningful event- Jesus Christ.

I do look forward to the time where all my brothers are grown up and earning so that we can start buying proper gifts for each other (proper as in good quality- usable items) and when we can buy proper stuff for the parents who are now basically on the giving end and we the receivers. But more importantly I look forward to the time when we can sit down together, sing christmas carols, and share from the word of God and his providence in our lives. Something that we missed out this year. 

It really doesn't matter how much we get or how much fun we have because when we strip all these things down it's the birth of Jesus that matters, it's the cross and it's His salvation. I see when Christians especially many churches nowadays sugar coat christmas with layers so thick that what the lost see is nothing but a glamourous christmas tree that appears sacred, cool pop music laced with some christmas-sy lyrics, lots and lots of santa hats and guess what?! They even have a concert and Korean Pop dance! Gosh, I am entertained; But WHERE IS JESUS? WHERE IS THE GOSPEL MESSAGE?! Is the church trying to please the world or is it speaking that radical, life-changing message that demands one's whole being and yet gives eternal life? If they fear the authorities, let the message be subtle but let it not be defiled! What does "Merry Christmas" mean when you know that not even one person in that audience would go back reflecting on what their life is without Jesus? When you know that they would go back even fuller with their own self then they were before the concert? Fun. That's the word. It is fun that has infiltrated the professing christian world of today. It is fun that dilutes the message of the cross; it is fun that turns the church of God into a whore. 

As I ponder upon this, I feel as guilty as one of those people who treat christmas as another "reason to partay!" I am as guilty of defiling the gospel as those who planned the concert to have K-Pop dance moves. I am as guilty as a person who asks, "How many presents did you get?" And compares. As I rethink my words, I realise that I am speaking more to myself than to anybody else. It is a illustration of my state of heart. All I think is about how I can get myself a better christmas this year. 

And that's it! That's the reason Christ came to earth, to shift the focus of those who are blinded by their own pride and lust for themselves! I don't need to point fingers, I NEED IT THAT FOCUS FOR MYSELF! And so does everyone else! 

Christmas is just but another day of a reminder that Christ came to save the lost, to save me, and you from materialistic and individualistic blindness and may it be another special day of encouragement and sharing of His providence. Let traditions be secondary, designed to reaffirm his goodness and mercy to us, earthlings.

Blessed Christmas.

And Now...

I have left the Orang Asli Youth Camp early because I have to work in KL. As I was driving away from the campsite as they were enjoying their morning dose of exercise of captain ball, I felt a strong urging to call up my office and take an emergency leave just so that I could be with them a little longer. That is how much I have seen my passion to serve them grow during these 2 days.

Being less involved in the planning and organising this year, I have had more chance to engage with them in conversation and group activities, and as broken as my malay is, and as shy as they are, every positive response from them warms my heart in a very special way and thus fuelling my desire and hope to see them become God-fearing and spirit-filled young man and woman that lives for a clear sense of purpose in today's world. Although it is quite saddening to see them having such low motivation and goals in life, credited to mostly the lack of exposure and Godly influence, it all the more increases my hope to see them miraculously transformed by the power of Jesus and His grace. And all the more I pray.

A few weeks ago, I read this facebook post from a friend's wall (I am paraphrasing),

"We are always marvelled at Jesus' miracle of turning water into wine, but what we fail to see so very often is that miracles are always happening, just as the grape vines absorb water through the soil to form new grapes, and then through crushing and fermentation due to time and climate, God is still turning water into wine."

I truly believe that He is working, and He has begun to call these young generation of people to Himself and as miracles. Pray with me that just as God did with the Lumbawang tribe of Sarawak, a revival will spread through the ranks and file of these natives of my beloved country- Malaysia.

We're almost done...

...With an Orang Asli Youth Camp and it truly touches me to see those significant few who approach and thanked me after a humiliating session of BGR (speaking in broken and terrible malay for HALF AN HOUR!!!) I am truly touched and it will be beyond my joy to see them one day living a successful life and having a good family and most importantly trusting in Jesus Christ our saviour and God.

For them my heart prays.

The iPhone 4s craze has started in Malaysia

And the way people lunge to obtain this latest gadget disturbs me.

They are literally "consumed" with a "must-get it" desperation (even if they don't exactly need it).

If they would go after Christ with the same commitment.

Therefore, in strike to this worldly craze, I shall not get one of this phone although I wanted to.

I'll go after Jesus instead.

A soldier's whole life is preparing himself to have one good shot at battle...

Many times I see myself as preparing to have one good shot at becoming a parent.